Jesus is coming Saturday. I know this to be true because I've read it in the newspaper, on the internet and even in "Doonesbury." Some preacher in California who's had people all packed to go before says his math was off last time but he's sure he's got it right this time.
So what does that mean for you? Well kids you can stop doing your homework and skip school. For that matter, you can stop heeding those commercials warning you not to try meth even once.
And your parents? Drop that plan to quit smoking. Take the rent money and spend it on crack.
This advice is only good if, like me, you're a Baptist. Because, you see, we Baptists believe "once in grace, always in grace" and that's a wonderful doctrine.
Methodists, Catholics and some other sects believe in "falling from grace." Thus they need to be on their really best behavior, get right with God if they're not real soon and go out and start proselytizing.
Sample conversation between a Methodist and Baptist this week:
Methodist: Brother, are you walking in grace? Would you like to kneel down and pray with me? The hour of his coming is nigh.
Baptist: Don't think so. Want some crack?